Just what is “forgiveness?” Not being a biblical/Greek scholar, there certainly won’t be an In Depth Treatment here, just a layman’s thoughts on what the Scripture instructs us to do and some real-life application.
To begin with, the forgiveness being discussed is between people – when one has offended or caused harm to another in some way. An offense has occurred in which a person then has bitterness, anger, distaste, grief, loss or other similar emotions, feelings or attitudes against another person.
In doing some research for this, an interesting thing occurred – many, including some I respect, state clearly that unless the party who has committed the offense asks for forgiveness, then we, biblically, are not obligated to extend it. I’m reminded of a news clip I saw right after Timothy McVeigh was convicted in the Oklahoma City bombing. A lady, who was obviously very, very hurt by what happened (I can’t remember if she was a family member of one of the victims) said, “I will never forgive him for what he did!” My thought at the time – and still is – was this: “Never is a LONG time..”
My assumption was that Timothy McVeigh would probably not ask this woman for forgiveness – either directly, face to face or indirectly, through some TV interview or the like where he could have made a blanket plea for forgiveness. Whether he did or not, here’s the issue – was that woman willing to harbor whatever feelings of anger, bitterness, grief in such a way that she would maintain them for the rest of her life? Was she – if a Christian – being obedient if she did that? The article referenced in part 1 seems to say that she would have been justified in doing so.
But what does unforgiveness do to us? Does it allow us to maintain a clear conscience before our God? How do we keep from crossing that line of “in your anger do not sin?” How does it affect our life of worship? How does it affect our ability to partake in the Lord’s Supper as we are commanded to?
Perhaps you could be saying, “You just don’t understand.” You’re right. I don’t. I don’t now what pain someone has caused you. This, Part 2, addresses my personal experience with forgiveness. Part 3 will address forgiveness as I have encountered it with prisoners in the Michigan prison system.
In May of 2002, our son, Jonathan, was killed at age 19. Jon and his best friend were sinning one night and Jon’s best friend ran him over with a truck and Jon died instantly (or almost instantly – that will be addressed below as well). This happened about 3/4 of a mile from our house, directly in front of the house where the family of Jon’s best friend lived.
Jon’s best friend was the primary suspect in the criminal case that began that morning. This young man, doing what people do when they are scared, hid from the police for about a week. Now, was that “wrong?” Yes, but it was understandable, in a sense. Not excusable, but understandable, if you get my point.
DNA testing, in real life, dopes not happen while the techs sit around the printer waiting for the results to spit out after 10 minutes like on CSI. The DNA tests in Jon’s case took almost seven months to prove it was his brain matter on the inside of a wheel well of a truck belonging to the father of Jon’s best friend. It was another five months before an arrest was made. Where was I when I found out about the arrest? At a Keryx weekend occurring at Chippewa Correctional Facility. Getting ready to do what later that evening? Conduct one of the two services that are the focus of our weekend – a service on the importance of forgiving others.
Only two other volunteers knew about the arrest at the time. They prayed with me and I forgave that young man right there. Now, many would say what I did was unbiblical, because the young man had not asked for forgiveness. But are we not to have a clear conscience before God – a conscience without hatred or bitterness? How could I go in and stand toe-to-toe (literally, given the small classroom where we have 70-80 prisoners and volunteers) and tell them the importance of forgiveness if I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it myself because the person who had caused me pain and grief hadn’t yet asked for it? So I went in and told the prisoners exactly what happened and about the arrest earlier in the day and about how I had forgiven.
We move forward several weeks from that to the preliminary hearing. All throughout the police investigation, we had asked if there were any signs of any form of defensive wounds on Jon’s body where perhaps he knew what was coming as the truck headed for him. Now, all along the police and the prosecutor had been nothing but helpful. They had always been available to answer questions except when they felt disclosure was inappropriate, which we could understand. At the hearing, the forensic pathologist who conducted the autopsy on Jon was on the stand. He was describing the autopsy, which was bad enough – listening to him describe the state of Jon’s body after having his head run over by a 3/4 ton truck, when he said that there was a tire track on the underside of Jon’s right arm. I remember sitting bolt upright when he said that. All I could think was this – did Jon have a second or two where he knew he was going to die? The pathologist then told about Jon’s lungs were filled with blood, which signified he was still breathing – albeit briefly – after he was run over. I was furious as he authorities for having hidden that from us. Did they think it wouldn’t come out? I had to hear that for the first time in open court? Did I have forgiveness issues right there? You bet I did.
Then the defense attorney started doing what defense attorneys do. He started saying things about Jon that were not true and everybody knew it and the prosecutor’s response was to do…nothing. The prosecutor knew that what was being said wouldn’t affect the case’s being bound over for trial, so he just let the defense attorney go. But that was my son that was being insulted and slandered – in public – by an attorney who professed to be a Christian. I was so mad when we had the one break during the five-hour hearing I went into a small conference room next to the courtroom with my wife and I did something I’d never done before and never want to do again – I was so furious I cried tears of anger. Did I have forgiveness issues with the defense attorney. You bet I did.
Several months later there was a criminal trial. Jon’s best friend ended up pleading guilty to negligent homicide. The circumstances of the plea were this, though – in the middle of the second day of trial, the prosecutor approached me with a proposition and left me in charge of whether or not he would pursue this plea any further. We did just that, with the stipulation that Jon’s best friend agree to serve prison time instead of county jail time. He agreed to the plea immediately.
Six weeks later there was the sentencing hearing. The state says our family is legally classified as “victims,” so we had the opportunity to speak at the hearing. My wife and I both spoke about how we had forgiven Jon’s best friend. Another forgiveness opportunity was to take place.
After we spoke, the defense attorney began to speak on behalf of his client and what he said was unbelievable (when I quote this in the prison when I do a talk on forgiveness, I show the actual court transcript so the prisoners will believe me. They, after all, certainly know what a court transcript looks like). The defense attorney said two things – among others – but the quotes pertinent here are:
“Your honor, as you know, as lawyers we are always trying to make our truth fit the reality and really, considering what reality we work with, the truth very, very rarely fits.”
“It’s simple to love people who treat us nicely. It’s simple to love people who don’t hurt us and protect us. And the Petersons, defined as Christians by their words, put their blessings on a plea agreement under circumstances that would have been very difficult to do on the second day of trial. On a day of trial in which many witnesses would have accused the lawyer, me, of pure and absolute beguilement, of manipulating and exploiting facts, of making things up, which is what we do.”
Listening to an attorney say that, in open court, in front of the reporters, was rather surprising. What it did was make me mad (and astonished). I had forgiveness issues. Am I allowed, biblically, to maintain ownership and custody of my anger and bitterness at the sin (real or perceived) against me until the offending party seeks forgiveness from me? I don’t think so.
Isn’t that what Jesus said so many times, in essence, through his “go the extra mile” message? The world certainly doesn’t want to forgive and we are NOT commanded to be like the world, are we? I understand the biblical point made by many that we are not to grant forgiveness until requested in order to try and bring the other person to repentance, but what price do we pay spiritually in the meantime? Are we not to take forgiveness to another level? Now, this does not mean there is no accountability for the offense, which will be addressed in Part 4.
How can we, as Christians, justify unforgiveness and the pain it causes us and the hindrance to spiritual freedom it can cause? Those people we hold unforgiven can end up standing between us and Christ and we are never to put anything or anyone between Him and us, are we?
I do not pretend to know what horrific offenses have been committed against you. Forgiveness, though, is a choice. Forgiveness is freedom and freeing. Our walk through life on the fallen planet is hard enough without adding to it chains of bitterness and anger and hatred. I do grieve my son’s death every day. Many times a day. But I do not need to add to that pain the burden of unforgiveness of those who offended me in any of the events after his death. God is too good for me to do that.
Part 3 will address forgiveness issues encountered with prisoners and the pain and consequences of not forgiving.
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